Regulations

Written on 11/8/08

Late last week I had just placed my order at Starbucks when I overheard the man behind me order a double espresso. “Double espresso,” said the kid behind the register. “Do you have ID?”

What a lame joke, I thought as I poured soy milk into my own coffee. And then I carried my cup over to the little bar about three feet away to steal as many handfuls of Splenda packets as I could fit into my coat pockets.

“No, I don’t have ID,” I heard the man who ordered the double espresso say, and I assumed that he had understood the joke. He was wearing a navy suit and seemed to be in a deep work-related conversation with someone on his cell phone.

“Oh, they just asked me for ID,” he told the person on the other end of his conversation.

Starbucks Kid laughed. And then I heard Double Espresso ask Starbucks Kid this: “Is that going to be a new policy now with Obama as president?”

“Oh, no! I was kidding,” said Starbucks Kid. And I glanced at Double Espresso just long enough to notice that his face had turned a brilliant shade of red.

In this country, right now, jobs are disappearing at an alarming rate, people are leaving their families to go fight a senseless war, we are energy dependent, we pollute and destroy the environment, people can’t afford healthcare, two people who love each other can’t get married in most states just because they both happen to pee standing up—all of this and more. But apparently, it’s entirely believable that our number one concern now as a people is regulating caffeine intake.

I think we need to consider regulating stupidity.

Just in case one might doubt the number of stupid people in New York, there is a website called Overheard In New York where the public has been submitting the ridiculous things they hear other people say on the streets for years. Here is an example:  

Frumpy mom in Century 21, holding up t-shirt for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic?

I have never submitted anything I've overheard to Overheard In New York. Not even when a friend of mine told me her funny subway story three years ago.

"I was on the six train, and I was sitting next to a very obviously gay couple," she said. "And you know how the newer trains have those automated announcements about 'if you see a suspicious package'? Well, that announcement came on and the one guy turns and looks down at his partner's crotch and says in, like, an erotic voice, 'I see a suspicious package...'"

“That’s perfect,” I told her. “You should put that on Overheard In New York.”

But she would not. And though I thought about it, neither did I.

Earlier this evening I was thinking about all of this when I passed by my neighborhood Starbucks and decided I could use my own double shot after an exhausting, wet afternoon sloshing around Manhattan.

“You know,” I told the barista, “I was in another Starbucks a few days ago and they jokingly asked a guy for ID when he ordered a double shot.”

“That’s lame,” she said.

“I know. But the guy who ordered the double shot didn’t get the joke. And then he asked if that was going to be a new policy now with Obama as president.”

“Really?’ the barista asked. “You should put that on Overheard In New York.”